Life just isent worthe it?

life just ant ******* woth it anymore im sooooooo ******* scared alll the time i think stuped **** and random ******* imagis pop intot my head for no reason im ******* scared of the hole ******* world i can leev the god dam house at all to hang out with my frinads they few that i have anyway and onebig reason why i can leev the house if becouse im afraid to see my ex girlfriend becouse im sooo ******* self coutchus and insucer about evything i hope one day that ill just hav a hart atak and ******* drop dead cuz i cant take this **** anymore im not who im supose to be im a big ******* pusy and i hate it i never used to be this bad untill me and my girlfrind broke up and then i went doun hill and kind went a lil craze and i just cant recouver its been like years sencewe broke up and im still ******* afraid of her and what people think of me i can just amigin what people are thinking bout me im sick of being in this body i wanna be someone elce for a wile i soooo despretly want help but im afraid to even go and talk to a theripist or what ever and one of the reason is my last doc allwase looked at me like im a ******* moreon and maby iam i donno and he always gave me weard looks and rold his eyes after evrything i said and now i dont want to deel with any theripists cuz i think there all going to be like that. i just want to ******* grow up and stop being a lil ***** im ******* 21 years old for **** sake and i feel like im a ******* 10 year old i have noone to talk to about stuff and the people i do have to talk to about stuff i feel like they just dont care or i feel that they think i just want sipathy or something wish isent the case at all i just want to talk and get stuff out but i ges in a way i kinda do want people to feel bad becouse it ant easy deeling with this **** and i want them to understand that it may be easy for them but for some reason it ant easy for me im sooo numb and emotionaly screwd i dont know what the hell is up or doun my reality isent the same as it used to be and sometimes i get a breef glips in my mind of what it uset to be but it just slips away. and anuther thing is that im not getting laid lol and im a 21 year old male and i need lol and im like despretly in need of love. im despretly in need of answers. some one please help me befor i go compleetly insane how do i stopbeing afraid of the world and the reality that i used to have? why am i pulling away form myslef and others? im so scrade of what mite hapen to me in futer im going nowere and i haveent gone anywere inlife sence i droped out of school when i was 16 im sorry for the bad gramer im not that smart of a guy eather :( so pleasae dont pick on me for the bad gramer please that will just make me feel wors but if someone coould just give me some advice and not the kind of advice were you tell me to go to a doc cuz i just cant do that at this point in time onece agin soorry bout the gramer and stuff and the cus words im sorry if i afended anyone or what ever